2015 - Head Coord - Brad Klinger
Introduction and Background:
Hello ladies and gentlemen,
My name is Brad Klinger and I am running for [Insert Here] Coordinator position. I know what you’re thinking, why would a tall and handsome individual with a satisfying career and family be interested in signing away his free time and enduring the endless scorn of mildly annoyed gamer rage? Does he hate feeling successful and accomplished in life? Does he not enjoy stress-free time with his adorable baby son? Does he hate sex with his wife?
No, he does not.
However what I am even less a fan of is Coordinator positions running unopposed. Or, worse yet as it seems might be the case in the near future, with no candidates at all. Like a shameless methed-out prostitute fueled by competition-based low rates and daddy issues, this organization just sucks the willing dry and leaves them feeling uncomfortable and possibly with a mild burning sensation for their troubles.
Thus I throw my hat in the ring in the hopes of preventing the possible inevitability of zero people being interested in being a Coordinator. I promise to do the bare minimum efforts whenever possible in order to fulfill whatever position I am elected to. I may not be the ideal person for the job, but if my application is being considered at all then I am probably the Coordinator you deserve.
Introduction and Background (Portuguese):
Minha quase minhas sinceras desculpas, mas eu não tinha tempo para obter este traduzido para o português. A menos que me queira Babelfish a coisa toda, que I prefiro não fazer porque essas duas frases provavelmente já disse algo sobre sexo, violinos e polvos.
OWBN Gaming Background:
HST and CM of Crusade of Ashes 2006-present
HST of L'ange Noir 2010-2013
Assamite Subcoord 2008-present
Sabbat Subcoord 2010-present
Harbingers of Skulls (Giovanni) Subcoord 2010-2013
Demon Subcoord 2010-2014
Assamite Coordinator 2011-2014
Salubri Subcoordinator 2014-present
Tremere Subcoordintor Never-present
I’ve served at virtually all levels of OWBN and become frustrated and jaded with all of them. This makes me ideally suited to understanding how OWBN functions in nearly any capacity and knowing how best to get the job done with as little effort as humanly possible. I’m not here to be popular or make friends, but rather to put my ass in a seat and keep the chair warm until OWBN stops making the crazy eyes at it’s Coordinators and convinces someone actually worth it to take the position.
I know, I know, a lot of you are thinking right now "dude, why would we want you as [Insert Here] Coordinator?". I'm not gonna lie, that's a really good question. I suppose the answer comes down to what you want out of the position. I've been on Council for nearly 9 years. I've served on a variety of teams. Many of you know me either personally or by reputation, for good or ill. So I'm quite certain you can make up your own minds. 'Eh, fuck that guy' is an entirely reasonable response, so is 'he is an Adonis among men and I wish to fellate myself into his good graces'. I can accept either extreme.
I will say this, in pursuit of the duties of this position I will be straightforward, concise, and decisive, and probably just a little bit satirical. I'm not here to dance around, drag things out, or paint pretty pictures just to make people happy. I am here to get things done and not want to slit my wrists while doing so. The quicker things get resolved, the less work I have to do. This is a hobby for me, not a job, and I intend to keep it that way.
This term I hope to accomplish the following goals to the position I am elected to:
I’ve been part of too many packet writings, I’m tired of them. The players are tired of the game being changed every time some new idealist gets elected. Thus I promise to maintain the status quo, not rewrite any of the rules, and basically exist purely to answer emails and/or delegate the answering of emails to my subcoords. Some might call this lazy, I call it efficient.
Put power in the players’ hands
Let’s face it, the reason we do this is because of the players. Now, I’m not saying they have ownership or some other entitlement bullshit. However, without players there is exactly zero point to having a Coordinator. The NPCs matter only in so far as the players react to them. So I promise to use the NPCs as little as possible whilst being faithful to whatever genre this happens to be so as to allow the players maximum control over their own destinies and creating as little work for myself as possible.
Fuck whatever the last person did
If the previous Coordinator was worth a shit, then they’d have received enough compliments, drinks at events, and/or handjobs to make them want to continue doing this. Since they didn’t, that sends a clear message that they must have been some sort of douche on some level at some time. And probably a cheater who just wanted to hook their friends up/control the Org through Bylaw revisions granting them ultimate power very slowly over multiple terms and individuals. And fluoride chem trails.
So I promise to make the occasional joke at their expense and, if paid to with drinks or boobies, tell folks loudly how much they may have sucked. After enough drinks, I will just plain make shit up about them and their shady exploits in between discussing the curative powers of my magic genitals and giving approvals for whatever the hell I am Coordinator of.
Build relationships with STs and players.
Stockholm Syndrome is, technically, a relationship.
Steal drinks from Elzo.
Because if it’s good enough for him, it’s good enough for me. Better, in fact, because I will not have paid for it.
This is a joke, right?
Only slightly, only slightly.